By James King from My London
There are many pitfalls to the world of dating in London. Having only lived here for five years I’m still a bit of a newcomer, but I’ve been on enough dates to get a good impression of what to expect on the London dating scene.
I usually try and change things up as much as possible in terms of location and activities, but I’m still always greeted by these nine London date clichés.
1. The London newbie
You can recognise them straight away. They still have that glint of enthusiasm in their eye that is but a distant memory for you. They’ve just arrived in the big city and everything is positive and wonderful. They haven’t had their first rent payment leave their bank account and they haven’t spent enough time with their face pressed up against a Central Line tube door.
Don’t worry, the pressures of living in London will soon have an effect and then you’ll have lots in common with them.
2. The cheapskate
“I’ll get the next one… never”
We all know living in London can be pretty pricey. This is no excuse for not chipping in on a date. For my first few dates in London, I made the costly mistake of trying to be a chivalrous gentleman. “Oh, I’ll get this” I’d say trying to act like James Bond. I soon learned my lesson after I’d spent more on stupidly named cocktails than I had on my actual rent.
If you’re not taking it in turns for a round, they’re not the one.
3. The hipster
“I know a great little underground bar…”
I’ll usually let my prospective date choose the location which gives me a good indication of their lifestyle. When I hear “oh we simply have to go to this tiny bar in…” I know I’m going somewhere that is going to serve my beer in a jam jar on a wooden serving board.
Time to dust off those big rimmed glasses and get the trilby out. I should probably change my name to Ignacio too.
4. The one that won’t travel
I think we can all agree that it is normal custom to meet somewhere between where you both live, right? I live in Mile End, they live in Battersea, so we meet in central London… simple.
Well, on several occasions I’ve found myself having to take three night buses or a triple figure Uber ride as they refuse to be further than three minutes from their Peckham flat. On the bright side, that four hour return journey left me enough thinking time to realise they weren’t the one.
5. The one on holiday
The conversation hasn’t stopped, they’re laughing at all of your jokes, things couldn’t be going better. You take the plunge and slide in the idea of a second date only to hear “well, my flight back home to Australia leaves in three days.”
Who on earth goes on holiday for a week and has a date?!
6. The picky one
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “oh, pick wherever you want, I really don’t mind,” only to find my first five suggestions turned down.
Me: “How about Junkyard Golf?”
Her: “Golf isn’t really my thing.”
Me: “OK, how about a drink in Shoreditch?”
Her: “I’ve been shopping there today.”
Me: “I’ve heard good things about this bar near Bank.”
Her: “Sorry, my ex-boyfriend owns that bar”
Me: “How about this burger place”
Her: “I’m vegan”
Me: “Literally any location that serves beer”
Her: “Beer isn’t really my drink”
Me: “I’ve lost interest”
Her: “Sounds great”
7. The gym obsessor
“Have I told you about my protein-to-whey balance?”
I find nothing more intimidating on a date than finding out they’re obsessed with the gym. Don’t get me wrong, someone who keeps in shape is usually a positive thing. However, when they start talking about routines and what protein shake is totally working for them right now, they’ve completely lost me.
Other than a bit of 5-a-side football (which is usually followed by a pint) or spending all day sucking in my gut when a girl walks by, I don’t really have much to contribute to the conversation.
8. The one you get on well with on the app but have NOTHING in common IRL
Your fingers can’t keep up with the pace of the witty and flirtatious chat bouncing back and forth between you on the dating app. She’s the one, she’s definitely the one.
Fast forward to your first date and you’re sat there in dead silence as she takes the fourth sip of her £8.50 large glass of Chardonnay with no words being spoken. There’s no coming back from this. Just pretend to go to the toilet and run.
9. The Instagrammer
“Let me just gram these olives”
This has happened twice to me recently and I’m still in a little bit of shock. I never really want to be the centre of attention, but when my date takes two minutes to take a photo of her food and post to Instagram followed by 14 hashtags including #date #mydateisboring #foreversingle #thisburgerismoreattractivethanmydate, I can’t help but feel a little bit insulted.